Morning Ramblings

It's 5am.

I've been up for about two hours now. I can't seem to sleep. I don't know what my deal is...I get a couple of nights of decent sleep and then BAM...nothing. I know it's probably stress, but I need it to go away.

I received a letter from the attorney's office yesterday and I'm sure that is weighing heavy on my mind. I have to make an appointment to go in and sign the paperwork. I am relieved in a sense, yes...but it also stresses me out. And then taxes are coming due and I have no freaking job and limited funds to pay them.

I got into a lil tiff with someone that I really care about just before bed last night and that never, ever helps. It's not like I plan these things. They just seem to happen---and it's always at night when it gets quiet and I am lying there thinking about everything.

The silence used to be so comforting to me. Now what used to be a comfort is more of a monster that I dread facing. I hate it and avoid it at all costs but it never fails to find me. And it's so frightening--facing the things in my mind. I need to get it all sorted out. I try to move on...get it out of my head. Put the past behind me and move on to the future, right?

That little phrase is easier said than done, trust me.

I KNOW that I shouldn't focus on the "what if's", but they are all that I can even think about right now. I'm so used to having a plan. Even if I didn't have a set one...at least I had all of the paths considered. If one didn't work out, I'd just backtrack and take another route.

What if I can't make it on my own? What if things don't work out and I've uprooted myself just to find failure? What if I fail myself? What if I fail all of those that have worked so hard to help me?

Everyone has their own set of problems and I know this. I'm just used to being the one that fixes things. I can't even be that to myself right now...and I know that I can't be that to anyone else either. I have so many people going out of their way to help me, support me, care for me, love me...and all that I can give them is headaches.

I REALLY try to not throw my sob stories on them but I have no real support system aside from them and they are literally all that I have--aside from Jehovah, of course. I know he's tired of hearing me. I wish and want SO badly to just be able to get beyond this and be able to help my friends out with their problems the way that they have helped me. That is what is driving me nuts. I CAN'T seem to do it. I try to pretend. I try to make everyone think I am okay so that they all have one less thing to worry about. I'm just not very good at hiding how I feel and it sucks. Yes, it sucks.

I KNOW that I'm not much fun to be around right now. I know this oh too well. And I also know that I'm not much of a support to anyone. How can I be when I can barely pull myself out of bed some days? It's like the want is there but not the know-how. I also know that I CAN'T take their problems away. It's not that I'm even attempting to do so. I just can't seem to help, either. And when you have this handful of people giving their all to you and you can't give anything back...it makes you feel like more of a nuisance than a friend.

Ack. Anyway...maybe now that this is out of my head I can try to sleep for a little while before I try to call into the meeting.

Sweet dreams.