Grandma Speaks Dog

Grandma has a shih-tzu named Chester. Chester's ancient...and fat. AND BY FAT I MEAN THAT HE CAN BARELY WALK-- bless his "lil" heart.

(BTW, that is my favorite southern saying. You can say ANYTHING bad about ANYONE as long as you follow it with that little phrase.)

I, in an unthought splurt from my mouth (I know...that NEVER happens) suggested that she get a leash for him and she can drive around town with him on her little automated scooter...she thinks it's an absolutely fabulous idea.

So if you just happen to be in Newark, Ohio and see a really old little lady with two different color eyes driving around with a fat dog panting and wobbling along side of a scooter....it's my sweet little grandma.

Tell her I said, "hi". Ask her to show you her living room.

Chester is a cute dog and well behaved...but he is SPOILED ROTTEN. Grandma thinks he is her child and treats him as such. You may not think this is really abnormal--many ppl are this way with their animals...as I was with mine. But even I had limitations. She called me yesterday and the insanity has reached an all-time low. She proceeded to tell me that she had a very long conversation with Chester. She told him that he would get what he wanted more often if only he would "take the time to learn how to talk".....hm.

She continues.

She says that her conversation with him explaining his ignorance of the english language has actually worked. Chester can now speak and she can understand him. Now when Chester wants to go outside, he says, "UG! UG!" (high voice). When he wants to come back in, he says, "UG. UG." (low voice). And finally, (and probably the most important to Chester) when he wants to eat, he says, "UUUG UUUG UUUG" (three times...high...then low...then high).

*Wonders to self, "Did Chester really learn ENGLISH...or did Grandma learn DOG?"*

For a split second, I thought my appendix was going to burst. I was trying not to laugh in her ear(because you see...she was totally and completely serious). I almost peed right there on the phone on my mother's sofa. Poor, poor Grandma. PLEASE LET THE NEW SYSTEM COME BEFORE I GET THAT OLD. I don't ever want to be that nutty...and I'm really NOT that far off. Keep me in your prayers. Insanity is hereditary, I hear.