I'm Learning to Breathe

As a kid I didn't have a clue about life and truthfully, I didn't care in the LEAST. I was perfectly content in my own little mind. In my 20's, I tried to dissect life in attempts to figure out what it was really about. I did nearly everything wrong. In my 30's, I'm learning how to breathe. If you know me, or have read anything about me...you know that the last decade didn't hold much for me to write home about (as if there was anyone to "write home" to anyway).

Although I'm sure that some talk show or some greedy publishing company out there would be overjoyed to get their paws on the stories that I could tell, (I've never said that the last ten years lacked drama.) I consider it nothing but one colossal learning experience. Perhaps it's because that thought keeps the depression from setting in; perhaps because that's the only way I can put it all behind me.

Nevertheless, I'm estatic that it's OVER. Age is nothing but a number, true. I don't believe that certain things happen because that is the way that they were supposed to happen. I don't believe in destiny, fate, divine decree, or any of the other synonyms that you wish to choose from. This wasn't even about that. This was more like...an awakening of sorts. It's as if I were walking around in a fog that finally lifted. (I know that is cliche.)

The anomaly was that even while confined in this haze, I was painstakingly aware of it's presence. Many people state that they weren't conscious of being in the fog until they had found their way out of it. I, on the other hand, couldn't help but feel it's heaviness surrounding my every move. Then the war had ended. I had surrendered. I was loosed from my prison and free to begin living. The world was mine to conquer. The mistakes that I were to make from here on out were mistakes to be made because I had made the decisions that led to them. Any happiness I were to receive was because I deserved it as well. I was in control now. Even in those moments when I seemingly lose all self-control...I am in charge even then.

I began to see who "Melinda" really was. To my surprise I was actually pleased with the woman I saw before me. There were many flaws, of course. (I'm exceedingly far from perfect.) But what I did see for the first in my life, was a vivid picture of who I was and of who I was capable of becoming. I saw the essence of me. A view that wasn't clouded by the years of negativity thrown upon me by everyone I knew, including myself. I was finally free to be me.

And you know what? Being me felt good....very, very good. :)