Proof that We Do Not Exclude Anyone

So funny. I don't know many churches of any denomination that would actually invite Maxine to their church with her fowl mouth, bad attitude and disgusting habits. But JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES WOULD DAGNABIT.

Many of you may think things of this nature offend us "Jehovah's" as we are commonly referred to; however, truth be known--most of us find things like this hilarious. Just because we follow the Bible does not mean that we do not have a sense of humor, folks. God definitely has a sense of humor. I mean...look around.

What's ironic is that many ppl call Jehovah's Witnesses a cult. This is why most people slam the door in our faces. (Which...btw...if you just say, "No thank you, I'm not interested," we really will leave. I promise that we will not try to break down your door, peep in your windows, or follow you to church to be certain you really ARE Baptist.)

Technically, a cult is a group of people that seclude themselves from society and worship / follow a man as if he were actually Jesus Christ himself. (Sidenote: Jesus never asked to be worshipped either.) Truth be known...we invite everyone...as Maxine here proves. You can hardly say that a group of people that knock on strangers' doors to invite them to share in a scripture are secluding themselves from society, right? And the fact that we don't even have a designated preacher is besides the point.

Well there are those things...and the fact that we don't ask anyone to drink "Holy Lemonade" to follow us to the "Promised Land".

Jezebel

"Do you think it's a sin for people to wear makeup?"
"Well Ma'am, I think it's a sin that some people don't."

--My husband Corey, quoting his grandfather.

If My Dog Were Human, She'd Most Definitely be a Lesbian.

It's true. My little Daisy is a bona-fide crotch lover. I've never seen an animal so dedicated to any one certain chore. The amount of effort and determination she has for panty chewing is unreal.

Imagine if you will, a child that has never in his life had cake. Now imagine how that child would react once they tasted cake and they realized how amazingly wonderful it was. You then proceed to give that child an entire piece of cake all to himself. Imagine how excited that child would be to devour it completely...the sheer joy on his face as he finished the last little morsel.

Daisy is that kid; panties are her cake.

She has successfully ruined about five pair of my panties in the last few weeks and we have to literally blocade her out of our bedroom to prevent any further possible damage. Not that there are panties lying around for the taking. You do not understand the madness. The dog smells them out in the laundry hamper and PULLS THEM THROUGH THE HOLES.

What did I say about sheer determination?

And of course it's only MY underwear she has this fascination for. Corey's underwear have had a few run-ins with the Crotch Monster, but usually it's because that is the only other choice she had. Second best, if you may.

This is how serious she is about it....she actually has a plan. She waits for the right moment. That one single moment to slip into the room and whisk over and grab a pair in a quick dash to a secret spot to get a quickie in before anyone notices.

In our house, we refer to catnip as "kitty crack". Panty crotches are Daisy's crack--and she is a fiend. *Painstaking flashback to a certain Trailerpark Celebrity trying to be Amy Winehouse.*

"They tried to make me go to rehab and I said, "no, no, no..."

I am sure this is a "natural" thing. I don't get it...but I'm sure that it's one of those devastatingly disgusting "dog things". You know...like eating cat crap, sniffing butts and licking slugs. I'm also hoping that somewhere along the way she finds new interests that do not include the destruction of clothing.

The good news is that this gives me the perfect opportunity (out of desperation, but an opportunity nonetheless) to buy more panties. That's the upside.

The downside is that I'll have to also buy another laundry hamper made of pure titanium to keep Daisy from shredding them to pieces while I'm in the bathtub.

"Dancing with the Stars" is the New Scariest Show on Television.

The saddest thing is that this was taken when she was still ABLE to smile. She has beautiful skin...and she was so beautiful BEFORE all of that. I just don't get why people do this. I mean...you know, looking like an alien being is better than having wrinkles. Word.

?!?!?!?!?! What the #%@*&#$ ?!?!?!?!?!

I'm holding onto this picture of Ms. Presley for a self-esteem booster when I begin to get depressed about wrinkles. I'll just pull this up and think...it could be worse. I could look like THIS. Rock on crows feet, laugh lines and age spots. At least I'll still look human...wrinkles and all.

I just looked at it again.
...and got cold chills.

No Diggity...No Doubt

"We're like Tom Cruise. We believe our own hype."
--DJ FM 105.1

Amen, Sister.

The Bigger the Better? Texas 'Aint Got Nothin' on Ohio.

62-Foot Jesus Along
I-75 Gaining Giant Attention
Visitors Flocking to Solid Rock Church.

When motorists on I-75 see the 62-foot statue of Jesus alongside the highway, many have the same reaction, News 5's Emily Longnecker reports.

It's called stunned disbelief.

"It just makes you, it's like 'Wow,' " said Stephanie Nevels of Fairfield. Yeah. Like Wow.
Tiffany Williams has been hearing about the statue since it was put up outside Solid Rock Church.
"It kind of took my breath away. I was just like, 'Oh my goodness,' " Williams said. "I had no idea it would be that big."

It's big alright...and it cost a whole lot of Simoleons.

The giant messiah is gaining giant attention from newspapers and magazines across the country. One travel website calls it "Super Savior."

Church officials say the styrofoam and fiberglass Jesus is the largest one in America. Thank you Solid Rock Church...you make Ohio proud. The torso-up sculpture has a 42-foot span between upraised hands, and a 40-foot cross at the base. This stance which some may call "arms raised to praise the father"...to me more so resembles the referee sign for "touchdown".
And people are flocking to see it, says Mike Trent, who works at the BP gas station down the street. ...because they can't believe that people have nothing else better to do with their money / time and have to see it for themselves.
"They're asking for directions to Solid Rock and there's been quite a few of them," Trent said.
"I've been a lot of places, never seen anything like it. It makes an impact just driving down the road," said Calvin Bostic of Dayton.

"I love it. I think it makes a statement," said Lashawn Moore Bostic.
But the big statue isn't a big hit with everyone.
"I do go to church. I just think it's a waste of money," Williams said. "It could be going to better causes." Word. World hunger, medical assistance, childcare funding... No, No, No. Giant Jesus is much more important.

The giant Jesus will soon draw even more attention, Longnecker reports.
Solid Rock plans to put a spotlight on the statue.
"I didn't know it would get this much national attention," said Lawrence Bishop, co-founder of Solid Rock Church. "We weren't trying to impress people, we were just trying to help people." Mhmmm...methinks this is the beginnings of a guilty conscience. What does the Bible say about the showing of ones means?
...
The 4,000-member, nondenominational evangelical church was founded by the former horse trader and his wife, Darlene, who also has a ministry. Translation: We are trying to get more people to our church to pay for this blasted thing and still make a profit.

Bishop said his wife first proposed the Jesus figure as a beacon of hope and salvation. Together, they formed the plan for their "King of Kings" statue and spent about $250,000 to finance it.
"We're living in a day when a lot of people feel hopeless, but we believe that when people see him, they will understand he is the hope for the world," Darlene Bishop said. Because a 62-foot Jesus will help remind those that lost Jesus to find him once again...all because of that $250,000 well spent. Rock on, brother.

The real kicker:
The I-75 exit near the statue is marked by a Hustler of Hollywood sign for one of Larry Flynt's largest adult stores and a billboard for Bristol's Show Club & Revue adult club that features a lingerie-clad woman.
The statue "is a pleasant change of atmosphere from what was being projected," Bishop said.

Honestly, this picture doesn't do it justice. In person it's way better. It's just freaking huge. I wish I had a picture of the actual porn mall down the road that they are referring to...and the 100 foot cross in front of the church that sits beside it. Evidently, they were following the trend.

Here is what the real unedited story would have been:

" They put up a porn store billboard beside our church and we showed them. We built us a 62-foot high Jesus, dangit. The bigger the better. That's what we always say. Now come to our church so we can pay for this thing. "

Yeah...you know that whole "do not worship idols" thing? That is in the Bible for kicks. God didn't really mean that...oh wait...he only meant that UNLESS it is a statue of JEEEEESUS....yeah.

That's it.

I still say he's celebrating the OSU game...Jesus style.

If Rednecks Ruled the World, We'd All Have Happy Hemorroids.

"Are you SERIOUS? "

"What's that?"

"Now THAT is a blog post waiting to happen."

"???"

"Okay...ummm...you know those potty chairs that you buy for old people to sit on to make it easier for them to use the toilet?"

"...yeah?"

"Those people have one in their front yard using it as lawn furniture."

(Insert laughter.)

"Seriously. It was like (motioning in a circle) ...lawn chair...lawn chair...lawn chair....geriatric potty chair."

(In best redneck accent): "Grandma ain't usin' it anymore...can't let it go to waste."

(In same painstaking accent): "I paid $35.00 for that chair and I'm gonna git my money's worth out of this daggone thing."

"You know...you gotta hand it to 'em. Rednecks really are the BEST recyclers."

Ado El Stupido

Alchohol may intensify this effect. Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery.

Understandable...but this is DOG MEDICATION.

Note: If your dog is drinking and driving...perhaps you need drugs of your own.

You know--this is for those SUPER smart people out there (or any drinking and driving dogs) that can read the multi-syllable words on the orange warning label but cannot read the (DOG) in bold large print above that.

Sadly, I'm sure that the real reason this is written on here in the first place is because some idiot human actually DID ingest this dog medication and then go driving. DUI of dog medication. (It really wouldn't surprise me to find that in our local paper.)

I just know that these are in fact the same people that cause me to have to wait for a supervisor's approval on fingernail polish, canned air, and other ridiculous household items in the check out line at Wal-Mart. Remember when we could actually just go through the checkout line and not be under investigation?

Aaaah...the good ole days.

Words of the Wise

“You want to know what’s sad?”
“I have more granny panties than my granny does.”
--Ivy via text message @ 7:30 am

Man and Beast...Living in Peace...

This so validates paradise for me. I have always imagined the relationship between man and beast being like this:

This woman found this lion malnourished. She took him home and took care of him. When the lion was better she called the local zoo. This was the reaction she got when she went to the zoo to visit the lion. http://www.telestereo.com/Archivos/video.html

Amazing.

Harassment Schmassment

Yesterday at my office we had classes in harassment training. We learned about these classes via an email that morning that stated “Harassment Training Schedule”…which to me was the funniest thing I had heard thus far that day...as if we had to be trained on how to harass.

For those of you that do not know…I’ve been getting all kinds of slack at work for my religious beliefs. I live in the “Bible Belt” of America which I lovingly refer to as the “Baptist Belt”. You see the problem…me being so far from Baptist. Anything that is not Baptist is just not acceptable in my office. This I have been made well aware of.

I was laughing at the title of my email and thinking about these things (above) when the very person that causes 90% of the problems for me evidently opened her email.

“Harassment? Harassment Traning? Who’s harassin’ who around here?”
*gasp*

Oh brother. I have a close friend that sits on the other side of the wall from this girl…and I do believe she heard my eyes roll. I promptly received a phone call from her asking me if I had heard the comments.

Yep. Sure did.

I was scheduled for the 2:30 session. The meeting began with some general information regarding FMLA and changes that started January 1. You did hear correctly….they decided to tell us on March 3 about changes that took affect January 1st. We didn't know about any changes for two months. You see the dilemma. Thus explains the underlying problems revolving around said company.

Shortly thereafter we had a video.
It was like being in junior high school again watching those corny videos about sex education. You know…with Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver discussing to little “Sally” about her body and what changes are happening and what it means for her and her life…complete with the porno music and bad acting. I think I stayed awake for the entire thing.

Upon reading the information that was handed out in the meeting…I found two typos and the following phrase: continuous repetitive. Okay um...I do believe that statement is continuous…and repetitive.

Yes, we are a huge printing company. Evidently one that is in need of proofreaders. I may be looking for a new job soon.

Great Comeback George

“You think that’s funny?”
“Well, Terri—it sure as shit ‘aint sad.”
--Ocean’s 13

Feels Like Thunder...Lightning

Today I saw this Mt. Dew commercial that states:

“Fact: Men are four times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.”

I’m having absolutely no doubt that this is an actual fact. I say that not just because the Pepsi people told me so…I say that because men are the only ones dumb enough to be out in the storm in order to be hit by lightning.

Be honest. You don’t see many women going, “Oh a storm! Let me go out there with an umbrella (pole, on the roof, etc, etc) and see what happens. I know there is a chance I may get hit by lightning…but that won’t happen to ME—I”LL show that storm.”

You WOULD, on the other hand, hear a guy say something like that. If you don’t believe me, then you haven’t watched enough of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” or any other video show in which a man begins the clip by stating, “Hey! Watch this!” and then it ends in complete disaster. It’s almost ALWAYS a guy saying and doing those things.

It’s usually the female that’s holding the camera to get the stupidity on film so that she can prove he’s an idiot for the next 20 years.

So I’m sure that this is an accurate statistic. It just doesn’t have anything to do with anything scientific. It’s mere stupidity.

Kudos to all of the men out there (aka morons) that are going out in storms raising statistics like this and making women look even better every day.

That’s why we continue to allow you on the planet.

I'm Learning to Breathe

As a kid I didn't have a clue about life and truthfully, I didn't care in the LEAST. I was perfectly content in my own little mind. In my 20's, I tried to dissect life in attempts to figure out what it was really about. I did nearly everything wrong. In my 30's, I'm learning how to breathe. If you know me, or have read anything about me...you know that the last decade didn't hold much for me to write home about (as if there was anyone to "write home" to anyway).

Although I'm sure that some talk show or some greedy publishing company out there would be overjoyed to get their paws on the stories that I could tell, (I've never said that the last ten years lacked drama.) I consider it nothing but one colossal learning experience. Perhaps it's because that thought keeps the depression from setting in; perhaps because that's the only way I can put it all behind me.

Nevertheless, I'm estatic that it's OVER. Age is nothing but a number, true. I don't believe that certain things happen because that is the way that they were supposed to happen. I don't believe in destiny, fate, divine decree, or any of the other synonyms that you wish to choose from. This wasn't even about that. This was more like...an awakening of sorts. It's as if I were walking around in a fog that finally lifted. (I know that is cliche.)

The anomaly was that even while confined in this haze, I was painstakingly aware of it's presence. Many people state that they weren't conscious of being in the fog until they had found their way out of it. I, on the other hand, couldn't help but feel it's heaviness surrounding my every move. Then the war had ended. I had surrendered. I was loosed from my prison and free to begin living. The world was mine to conquer. The mistakes that I were to make from here on out were mistakes to be made because I had made the decisions that led to them. Any happiness I were to receive was because I deserved it as well. I was in control now. Even in those moments when I seemingly lose all self-control...I am in charge even then.

I began to see who "Melinda" really was. To my surprise I was actually pleased with the woman I saw before me. There were many flaws, of course. (I'm exceedingly far from perfect.) But what I did see for the first in my life, was a vivid picture of who I was and of who I was capable of becoming. I saw the essence of me. A view that wasn't clouded by the years of negativity thrown upon me by everyone I knew, including myself. I was finally free to be me.

And you know what? Being me felt good....very, very good. :)

March 2008

As Irresistable as that Scab You Just Can't Help but Scratch.

Oh, the Secrets that You Keep

I've talked in my sleep from the day I could speak. It's been something that has haunted me ever since. People used to sit beside my bed and talk to me while I slept because I would TALK BACK to them. Yes, I can carry on full-out conversations while totally asleep.

This little "talent" of mine also came in quite handy to my mother during my teenage years.It's amusing how talent shows itself in me. Some people are amazing singers, some are beautiful poets, and some are exquisite artists. Me, I talk in my sleep. That, my friends, is irony at it's finest.

This lovely skill of mine continues to show it's ugly head to this day. Granted, it's not so much of a problem today as it was when I was trying desperately to keep a secret boyfriend from my mother (another story for another day) but annoying nonetheless. NOW it's more of a form of entertainment that my friends use for kicks.

"Let's see what kind of weird wacked-out story Melinda will tell us in her sleep."

Yeah...great fun...good times. In the past month, I've spoken to someone TWICE via telephone while surfing the crevices of my mind in its subconscious state. The first time I spoke of pina coladas, hawaiian parties, diapers, and babies. During the second incident, I was going on about waterfalls, picnics, wreckless driving, and someone's dog in a pink sweater. So continue to talk to me when you know I've drifted off into dreamland--get your giggles, that's ok.

Laugh it up, kids.But a word to the wise: Sometimes I remember what I've said and sometimes I remember what you've said too. Prying could be very dangerous for you. Ok...it most likely won't be, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!

Potty Training

Today Daisy emptied out her toybox. This is not unusual...she does this all of the time.
But today.
Today she decided to empty the toybox and then turn around, squat in it, and take a crap.

We may buy her a potty chair.